A Charming Man
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Gilderoy tries to charm Minerva during his job interview.


Author Notes: Thank you to aigooism for the beta!

* * *

Minerva smoothed back her hair and sighed. The advertisement for the Defence against the Dark Arts position had been up in _The Daily Prophet_ for over two weeks and they'd only had three expressions of interest so far. Two of them were obvious failures. She wouldn't have trusted them to scoop owl droppings, let alone teach malleable young minds. She had shredded the applications upon receipt; it wasn't worth even recording them as applicants. The third one, however, was quite promising, at least on paper. He had even received an Order of Merlin.

Minerva stared down at the photo enclosed with the application. A young, handsome man waved cheerfully at her and then winked. She pursed her lips. Of course, she still needed to think of the children. Lockhart might have been more than qualified for the job, but there was still a chance of scandal. A young, handsome wizard among teenage girls and boys was a recipe for disaster.

There was a sharp knock on the door. Minerva looked up from her papers and schooled her features into a professional expression. "Come in," she said.

Gilderoy Lockhart breezed into her office, dressed in bright purple robes, looking exactly like he did in his photo. "Minerva," he said, with a half-bow, "it's a pleasure to meet you."

Minerva almost expected him to reach over and kiss her hand. Hastily, she folded her hands in her lap and gave him a severe look. "Mr Lockhart," she said primly. "Please sit down." Lockhart sat down. Minerva coughed as a waft of his cologne tickled her nose. It smelled as though he had bathed in a mixture of primroses and spices.

"What a quaint little office!" Lockhart exclaimed as he looked around.

"Thank you," Minerva said. She leaned back in her chair and looked steadily at Lockhart. She was pleased when he squirmed slightly in his chair and looked discomfited. "Now, Mr Lockhart, what makes you think that you're a qualified applicant for this position?"

Lockhart gave her an impish smile. "Just look at my resume," he said, with a wink. "I've been awarded many prestigious awards and I've written many books about my wonderful achievements."

Minerva hid a wince as she looked down at the application. "I notice that you have put down five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award on your resume," she said slowly. It was one of the things in his resume that had stood out to her. It was hardly a relevant award for a position at Hogwarts.

Lockhart gave her a blinding smile. Minerva winced; it was obvious that he used teeth whitening charms. He leaned in and said in a low, confiding tone, "I also have an Order of Merlin, Third Class and I'm an Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League."

"I can see that," Minerva said crisply. "I do have a copy of your resume." She wrinkled her nose. "Although, in the future, Mr Lockhart, I would suggest that you do not use scented paper for resumes and job applications."

"It's from my own personal collection," Lockhart said enthusiastically. "I also have lilac and violet scented paper, but I thought that rose-scented would be more appropriate for this circumstance."

Minerva blinked. "Well, Mr Lockhart," she said as she looked back down at her list of interview questions, "what made you apply for this job?"

"I have such fond memories of Hogwarts," Lockhart enthused. He ran his fingers through his curly blond hair and shook it out. "I've been fighting dark creatures for years and my knowledge will be invaluable for the next generation of young minds." He reached down and pulled out a gleaming new copy of a book with a smiling, nodding Lockhart on the cover and then a peacock quill. "This is one of my favourites." He quickly scribbled something on the inside cover flap and then held it out.

Minerva took it reluctantly. "Magical Me," she said slowly, reading the cover.

"It's my autobiography," Lockhart explained.

"How... lovely," Minerva murmured as she opened the book up. On the inside flap, Lockhart had scribbled: _For the lovely Minerva._

Lockhart winked at her. "I'm glad you think so," he said.

Minerva stared. She wanted nothing more than to end the interview right now. This man was completely ridiculous. Minerva's lips twitched. Severus would have a field day with him. "I see that you have invented several spells," she said slowly, indicating his resume.

"Of course," Lockhart said cheerfully. "I've even invented some excellent transfiguration spells that I'm sure will be beneficial to you while teaching."

Minerva gritted her teeth. "I'm sure that will be unnecessary."

"Nonsense!" Lockhart said, pulling out a sheet of parchment. "These spells will make students love Transfiguration. I also have a couple of charms and potions that will do wonders for that hair of yours."

Minerva was beginning to wonder how much trouble she would get into if she cast a full body bind on him and threw him out of the window. She gave him a stiff smile. "Thank you for your offer, Mr Lockhart, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline."

"Look at my hair," Lockhart said.

Despite herself, Minerva found herself looking.

"It's got such body, such volume, such lustre," Lockhart told her. "It's all due to a charm that I invented myself."

"Perhaps you should think about going into the beauty industry," Minerva suggested. It certainly seemed as though Lockhart was enthusiastic about the topic.

Lockhart grinned. "I thought about that, but my number one passion is still fighting the Dark Arts."

"Oh, good," Minerva said dryly. "Have you any experience in teaching?"

"No formal experience," Lockhart admitted, "but I have mentored many protégées in the field. Many have gone on to fight Dark Arts by themselves."

Minerva nodded and scribbled a note to check up on these former protégées of his. Perhaps they could shed some light on his unctuous manner and how they had managed to work with him without punching him in the nose. "What would you consider your greatest achievement?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Minerva regretted them.

Lockhart gave her a wide smile. "All my achievements are great," he practically purred out.

Minerva gave him a strained smile. "How nice."

"I've saved witches and wizards from ghouls, yetis, vampires, and trolls," Lockhart said. "I'm also an excellent Quidditch player. I was once offered a position on the International Quidditch Team. Of course, I also have my own collection of hair-care products that I personally created." He gave a modest smile.

"How nice," Minerva repeated again. She could feel the corner of her left eye twitch. She was beginning to run out of calm, professional expressions.

Looking down at her parchment, Minerva noticed that she hadn't even asked half of the necessary questions yet. With a wry smile, she suspected that she already knew the answers. Lockhart seemed to use every question as an excuse to talk about himself or to offer her suggestions about how to teach or her physical appearance. If she listened to him talk about himself for another five minutes, she would probably end up forcibly ejecting him out of the room.

"I think that'll be all for today. Thank you, Mr Lockhart for coming in today," Minerva said. She gave him a stiff smile as she gathered the papers up in a pile and then placed Lockhart's autobiography on top of the pile. "We will be getting back to you regarding the results of this interview soon."

Lockhart beamed as he pushed his chair back and stood up. He smoothed down his robes and then ran a hand through his hair. "I look forward to receiving your owl."

Minerva stared. Was he fluttering his eyelashes at her? "Have a nice day," she said. "I will get Argus to show you off the grounds."

* * *

"We cannot hire this ... this imbecile!" Minerva exclaimed.

Albus gave her a penetrating look as he smoothed his beard. "Unfortunately, he's our only applicant," he said. "We need a Defence against the Dark Arts professor."

"Well, yes," Minerva said, "but not him!" She shuddered as she recalled the way he had seemed to flutter his eyelashes at her as he gave her a signed copy of his latest book. If he had done any of the heroic acts detailed in his books, she would eat her hat! She was beginning to wish she hadn't shredded the other applications. They may have been incompetent, but they couldn't have been as annoying as Lockhart.

"He is very popular," Albus said mildly, holding up a copy of Gadding with Ghouls. His eyes were twinkling under his bushy eyebrows.

"The girls and boys will be fawning over him," Minerva muttered. "And he'll eat it up." She was positive that she had never met such a conceited, narcissistic, self-aggrandising wizard before.

"We will have to hire him. Unless you can come up with a better candidate," Albus told her, his voice suddenly firm.

Minerva winced. There were no other candidates and Albus knew that. "I'll send him the employment papers tomorrow," she said grudgingly.

Albus smiled and held up a bowl of sweets. "I'm sure he can't be that bad. Would you like a lemon drop?"

"No thanks," Minerva said as she stood up. She mentally sighed as she turned around. This was going to be an interesting year.

-fin


End file.
